A Letter to Joshua

 Dear Joshua,

   Recently, a wonderful man who I had the honor of meeting on several occasions passed away way too soon. As I was driving home from Redding today, I thought about him and the last conversation I had with him. I told him that I had not been writing, but I was dreaming about it. I would wake up in the middle of the night and the words "You are a writer" would be imprinted in my brain. He told me, "Well, then you need to write." It was so simple, but sometimes the things we know in our heart need to be said out loud. As I was thinking about that conversation, my mind began to focus on you and a letter composed itself in my head. I thought about if I really needed to write it or if you just knew, and then I thought about what this man had said to me, "Well, then you need to write," so here I am seven years after your death, writing you a letter.

    Sometimes when I have a moment to myself, when the obligations of life are not calling me in every direction, I think about how I miss you. You were my best friend. I remember one time I made a surprise visit to Redding, and I called you. You were so excited that I was there that you ran out of your house without shoes and drove to see me. When I saw you get out of your car shoeless, I thought you were crazy.  I could not comprehend why anyone would be that excited that they would forget their shoes. I still think you were a little crazy, but I also think you showed me that people are way more important than anything as trivial as stupid shoes.  

  There were many times in your life when you were without shoes not because you had forgotten them, but because you had lost them. You told me about those times, and unfortunately, I witnessed some of those times. Often, you walked about life hurting, broken down, without anything to your name. You tried so hard to find your path, but it must have been so difficult walking around barefoot.  Sometimes I think all the paths available weren't the right ones. Then you would acquire some shoes and make your best effort to follow a path, and it would work for awhile, but the path would always get wearisome and somewhere along the way the soles would wear thin and your feet would be naked and vulnerable again. Maybe things would have been different if you had had the tools to make your own path, the one you wanted to take. 

  Although life with you was a constant tumult of emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other, I do not regret our time together. You have taught me so many important lessons. When we met, I was a shell of a human being, so wrapped up in discontent. I had made myself so numb to the world for a multitude of reasons. You came along and refused to tolerate that from me. You slowly picked away at that shell and embraced the hurting mess that I was and just loved me. What a profoundly great gift you gave me! I didn't know how to love like that, and you taught me. In the years since you have passed, I have had time to reflect about the hard lessons that our relationship and choices have taught me as well. Those are lessons I would never return. I will treasure them and be better for them every day of my life. 

   From time to time, even though it has been so long, I cry because I think about everything you are missing. I wish you could see Judah and Joaquin. They are fourteen now. They are growing into themselves and are becoming assertive and making their way in this harsh world. I think about Judah and how he unabashedly proclaims his male pronouns. I know you would be proud of him because he can be exactly who he is without shame and without reserve. I know you would be supporting him and his strength, and your love for him would be unconditional. You loved people so much no matter where they were in life, who they were, what they had done. You have missed the birth of your beautiful nephews. I know you would have loved them with your whole heart. There is so much you have missed and are missing. For that I cry because I can't be angry about it anymore.

  Seven years later, I am a completely different person, and I wonder sometimes what you would think about about this new person. I have learned how to recognize fear and to face it. (I still don't like jumping off high places though.) I admit, "learned" should be in the progressive grammatical form (yes, I still am a nerd) because I learn more every day. I have learned my strength and that the only thing that can keep me back are the limitations I put on myself. I have learned patience(except when driving) and acceptance. I have learned that it is okay to feel things and those things don't define me. I've learned I am not perfect. I have learned my weaknesses and my false perspectives. There is so much more, Joshua. If you saw me now, you would only recognize the 4"11' shell of me. Somehow, I think I know that you saw more than a 4"11' mess of a human being. You saw who I could be. Thank you.

                                                                                            Sincerely,

                                                                                                Tamara